Is There Life On Mars?

I have found myself in a strange land for the past two months. I wander around central Ohio, from home to the office to whatever social distraction I have but I have been preoccupied with things for a while. After leaving the team at my last employer, I was (and still am) excited to work for myself. I like the energy that comes from the chase, having a meeting, making a new connection, figuring out how I can help solve a problem. All of these are well within my wheelhouse.

What I didn’t count on was the amount of rejection, false starts, not-a-good-fit items what would fall into my path. In two months, I have had no less than 5 separate deals fall through. I didn’t really think that I would have that much issue landing something.

Now, I am not deterred. Far from it. I still have plenty of opportunity in my pipeline. But being outside of an organization now helps me see things with more clarity. Every week there seems to be someone I know that has been affected by a tech firm layoff. Or a reversal of a contract. or just the eventual manifestation of quiet desperation that comes from within. At my core, I want to help the people that are affected. At some point, I expect this endeavor to grow to just a robust enough machine to be able to help people get a stable source of income, or showcase their talents, or help gain the growth and mentoring opportunities (giving and receiving) that many people complain about in exit interviews, or in the private conversations after the role ends.

The malaise that I feel is prevalent in many of the minds and souls of the people in IT right now reminds me of something from one of my careers long past.

I was working at State Farm Insurance. This must have been back in 2007. I have been put through an inaugural leadership program to help assess, identify, and promote potential future leaders in various roles in the organization. This was in addition to my regular production work on the health claim side. My role essentially was reviewing claims of insured that were disabled and thereby requesting benefit paid in monthly installments. I did enjoy the impact that you made on people individually, but I also felt robotic and are handling of claims, meaning most of the claims we saw were paid out and could have been processed either electronically or automatically. The leadership program in which I participated was a one-year program in multiple areas with different mentors and trainings that culminated in a final project to identify hi there cost savings or additional revenue streams that would benefit the company.

This was yet another on opportunity afforded me by State Farm. I will never have anything negative to say about the people or the work for the products at State Farm Insurance. Prior to the leadership program I have been removed from my production work for approximately 6 months, and given the opportunity to sit in on Executive meetings in our region to listen for opportunities in the discussion that could manifest into products or processes that would either enhance culture, boost morale, or productivity. According to my leadership I excelled in this role but had to remove me and place me back in production after 6 months as they did not have a way to effectively score my performance. I asked if they could just pay me my salary in a pass/fail basis each quarter and that was met with some resistance though I think they thought it was a quaint motion.

I should also State I was working in a professional technical capacity that is normally reserved for individuals with a college degree. I had been attending classes part-time shipping away at a degree but I did not see an end in sight that was valuable enough for me to finish to solely support a goal of retaining this particular job. I think being in an environment where I could perform and in some ways Excel, but was still limited by the bureaucracy and traditional mindset of the leadership at the time, cause a form of professional career depression to set in.

One day I walked into the office in the morning. I think it was a Tuesday. When I close my eyes I can visualize the beige gray cubicle walls with very few colored fibers mixed into it, the carpet tiles around my cubicle area, the monitor, my small filing cabinet, and a row of files just across the hallway. I think they were Gray. I guess it's possible that my visualization of this time is probably pretty gray anyway as it was certainly not a highlight of my professional career. I sat down for work that morning in a bit of a days and realized I just couldn't do it anymore. I was happy to look at my claim diary, knock out the things that had any kind of urgency, and then maybe I feel better at lunch. When lunch time came around I ingested calories and caffeine but it changed nothing.

After coming back to the office in the afternoon I sat down to look at things that were less urgent and something was nagging at the back of my brain. I opened a word doc and I started typing. I'm not going to say it was an out-of-body experience I am going to say I didn't feel fully conscious about what I was doing. That doesn't mean I didn't want to do it, I think I was more in line with where my soul wanted me to go, then my brain. In this moment I kind of imagined Homer Simpson arguing with his inner voice and being told by his liver or kidneys first brain to shut up. The words came out relatively easy for the first draft. I think my immediate management and Leadership for the opportunities they've provided, by remote how rewarding my individual work with claimants was and how that affected me a little bit on an emotional level. I talked about how kind most of the people I worked with and interacted were,. And then I advised I would like to Tender my resignation effective in 6 weeks to allow enough time to transition not only my production work but any other projects that happened to be underway on my behalf. I scheduled a quick meeting with my supervisor, print it out three copies, grabbed the manila folder, and then went outside to walk around the retention pond.

In the meeting with Mark, my supervisor, who I thought was an exceptionally nice guy and I had won the lottery in supervisors. The other supervisors were fine, but Mark also had an odd sense of humor, which I certainly appreciate. Mark asked if we needed to talk about a particular claim that was giving me some trouble, and I said I'm happy to talk about it if you like but if you don't mind I'd like to cover my topic first, and then I handed in the manila folder after signing a copy in front of him. He was a little shocked, and asked me if I had a plan. Where was I going? Do I have another offer? Why is it 6 weeks in the future? Is everything okay?

To his absolute shock I replied I have no plan, I have no prospects, I have nothing but I plan to do in 6 weeks plus one day. But I feel like I've just lifted a weight off my heart. Not that I didn't want to be here, but then this morning the realization that this might be as good as it gets for me hit me like a loaded down gravel truck. I explained I have been afforded excellent opportunities to shine inside the organization, I wasn't exception to a rule by being hired without a degree, I clearly had the leadership skills and the raw talent that could be developed into something and felt like that was something I wanted and deserved. I then went on to stay I could do all the right things for the next 15 years and never move out of this cubicle via promotion. That there were no guarantees even for a high performer. I did not consider myself a high performer in the kpis of managing the claims I think I actually sucked at it. However, the impacts that I made to that team, that department, that division, and the entirety of the building I thought deserve some form of respect on my part. And that those were the things that kept me coming in every day, and the claimants were a second.

Pleasantries were exchanged but they didn't want to see me go. I held fast in my convictions and on the last day of my six week. With all things transferred out of my q and my inbox, I had a brief happy hour with the team I went home and I slept like a baby. The next day I woke up went to the airport and flew to New York for 5 days where I had some wonderful experiences and I danced with the idea of just liquidating everything in Ohio and moving to Manhattan. I can't say that it's a regret, because I don't believe in those, but I will say there's a path not chosen that I Ponder from time to time and what that future would have yielded.

The choice to leave an incredibly stable and profitable role at a company that seemingly will never go out of business, absolutely baffled the minds of many of the people around me. At that point in my life I was so risk tolerant that it made no difference to me. I didn't feel like I was in any place bad, I just didn't feel like I was in the right place.

I'm reminded of that scenario today. I think I could have done some things to allow me to stay at my former company longer. I think I could have done more to request the ability to stay there, but deep down I've been itching for a change. I had that same rhythmic thumping in the back of my brain that in my world usually elicits a fight or flight response. If I was to be completely transparent with whoever may be reading this, the highs in this world that I'm in now are high, but sometimes lack oxygen. The lows however seem to be far lower than I would expect and do feel like you are on another planet with multiple atmospheres pressing down on you. I don't believe I am as risk tolerant as I used to be as I have a family and people that depend on me, and for those people I'm willing to make sacrifices to do what's necessary, but I am still working out strategies that allow me to progress into the space that I know I can inhabit that allows me to help others, share my knowledge, provide for my family, and help make an impact positively on my community, industry, and immediate professional circles.